How to be an ally to queer couples as a wedding vendor
Being an ally to LGBTQ+ couples as a wedding vendor goes beyond willingness to work with same-sex couples. In this article I want to go over how you can be a better ally to your queer couples whether you are a photographer, planner, videographer or dj! This article will equip you with tools to serve your couples well!
This subject is an important topic to me both as a vendor and a queer person. My name is Baylee, I am the owner and head videographer of 1948 Productions based out of Philly. As I entered the wedding industry, I started noticing how straight it felt. From portfolios to language, everything was very heternormative. This wasn’t always malicious, but rather a looked over detail. In an industry built upon love, I believe it is our obligation to go out of our way to make it as inclusive as possible to all forms of love.
The quickest way you can make your queer couples feel safer with you before they even become clients is with language! Whether it is in your instagram caption or website copy, language makes a big impact. For example, replacing “Bride” or “Groom” with “partner” or “fiancé” on your inquiry can instantly ease a queer couple's mind.
I’d encourage you to take it a step further and include a tab for their pronouns. This detail may seem small, but it can have a big impact on making trans and non-binary people feel safer. As a non-binary person myself, I always appreciate intake forms that ask for my preferred pronouns. It simultaneously equips you with the information needed to best address them and makes them feel considered. It is a win, win!
Continuing with language and how to use it to better create a safe space for LGBTQ+ couples, consider swapping out gendered terms. Gendered terms can look like:
Bride/Groom
Mr. & Mrs.
Bridesmaids/Groomsmen
Father of the Bride/Mother of the Groom
Now let me be clear by saying there is absolutely nothing wrong with these terms, especially if they suit the couple. However, as vendors we can make our website more inclusive by using more neutral terms that can fit couples of all kinds such as:
The Couple
Newly-weds
Spouse/Partner
Wedding Party
Parent-Child Dances
Allyship and service as you know goes beyond our website or forms, it also involves actual people! So, how can we as vendors be prepared to be good allies during wedding planning and on the actual wedding day?
If I could recommend only one thing, I’d recommend asking about their family dynamics. Many, many wedding timeline templates or shot lists have a heavy focus on family whether that is getting group pictures, first looks with parents, dances, etc. This advice goes for queer and straight couples alike, but it is something I especially recommend talking about with your queer couples prior to their wedding day.
Family can be a sticky subject for gay, queer and trans people. Their parents may not be attending because they don't accept their child’s identity or sexuality. Or maybe their parents are attending, but they aren’t very close and the couple would prefer to prioritize their chosen family when it comes to certain ceremonies or documentation. Being equipped with that knowledge and the couples boundaries around it will be a powerful tool to you on the day.
Another tool I’d recommend adding to your arsenal is getting comfortable using different pronouns! Listen, I am non-binary, I use they/them pronouns, but about 5 years ago it was something I struggled with when it came to my peers. So don’t feel shame for making mistakes, we all do it as we are learning. The best way to get comfortable using different pronouns is by practicing.
Practice in the mirror or with your cat. You can refer to trans or non-binary actors such as Jack Haven from ‘Atypical’ or Emma D’Arcy from ‘House of the Dragon’ if you don’t have any friends who are trans or non-binary. If it is something that suits your interest, diving into a season of Rupaul’s Drag Race could be helpful as you learn. The more you practice, the easier it gets and the less anxiety you will feel.
This next part is mainly for my photographers and videographers.
Posing, posing, posing. Queer couples, especially wlw (women loving women) & mlm (men loving men) couples, won’t always have a masc and femme. Or a top and bottom. Okay, I’ll stop kidding, but seriously who is ‘the guy’ or ‘the girl’ is a pointless consideration. Dynamics in a queer relationship rarely conform to traditional gender roles.
Instead, ask whether or not you are equipped with posing outside of traditional gender roles. If the answer is no, that is okay! No better time to learn than the present. Being able to pose regardless of gender is a strength that will transfer beyond queer couples and make you a stronger creative overall. This article by Zay, owner of Ginger Fox Photography, is a good starting place.
The last thing I want to say, as a queer person to you, we don’t expect you to be perfect by any means. Mistakes are okay, you are only human! So if you accidentally use the wrong pronoun or term, correct yourself and move on. The effort and support, such are reading this article, mean more than you being perfect. So come as you are & encourage your couples to do the same!
